The Stumble

I have had the pleasure of working with some of the most amazing people…and the worst. When i started blogging and on most occassions..”journaling” because there is something very therapeutic about just getting things out—-my thought was that I needed to keep all my blogs upbeat…afterall…im living the “if” right?
Bullshit. I am one of the many people in the world who suffers from an anxiety disorder so maintaining a low stress happy life helps me with my everyday struggles.

Well it hasn’t taken me long to realize that although a great thought…the possibility of maintaining positivity when you spend almost 8 hours of your day with crabby, unhappy people minimizes the overall gummy bear and rainbow type path I was trying to take. I say people because that is the “politically correct” thing to say but let it be known that it is really a person. One individual who sets out to be just surly, nasty and mean in a very targeted fashion.

Why is it that some people can only get the courage of David when it comes to being horribly evil in a group setting. It always interests me when people set out to intentionally belittle others…because unbeknownst to them…no matter how much it hurts and embarrasses the target…it only highlights the insecurities of the person doing the targeting in spite of their title.

Nonetheless…i have been stumbling in my effort to maintain the smile that generally comes so natural to me. #livintheifstruggles

Selfishness?

Paying attention to ourselves..addressing our own wants and needs is something that most of us do not take very seriously. During our formative years most of us were taught that self focus equaled selfishness. Selfishness by definition is a negative thing.  Life has proven the contrary. If one avoids self care…self preservation then becomes impossible so how then can self focus be considered selfishness? If that be truth then daily we all succomb to self destruction. We need no help with destroying ourselves as each day we live is one day closer to the destruction of this vessel we call a body. Food for thought…and yet another reason to live the if…
~chi~

Ode to a man named Robert…

#livetheif

A man named Robert changed my life. He passed away at work-at his desk– and although we spoke in passing and frequently rode the elevator together…time just continued to move forward. No one minute more special than the next -just another co-worker saying..”2nd floor please” barely looking up from the work cell because thats what we do…we make things happen…we do what matters….  I mean really we get the job done. There was no special news cast for Robert. No emergency interruption of TV broadcasts, no sounding of an alarm…just silence and murmurs about the man who passed away at work. He has 2 young sons and a wife and as I look at my kids and husband this evening…im thankful for another moment. Im thankful for friends and enemies, smiles and tears, the good and the bad, pretty and ugly. Robert changed my life and I will never get to tell him…because it took him to die at work before life slowed down enough to even realize that maybe one more conversation is important or that looking up from a cell phone could cause an interaction that may never occur again. No more silent elevator rides for me…Good Morning has a whole new meaning to me now..its truly time to live the “if.”